cult of personality

‘The Hills’ Season Finale: Speidi, at Last

Oh, sweet, sweet Hills — it seems like just yesterday that you came back to us giving us Lauren and Whitney stumbling around Paris. But here we are at this season’s finale, already! But no need to cry, because MTV had us covered with both an obnoxious Hills pre- and post-party, neither of which we could bring ourselves to watch, mostly because the hosts are really kind of grating and mismatched (she was wearing some magenta Grecian draped number, he was geeked out like Seth Cohen wearing architect glasses). We’ll sacrifice a sneak peek at season four just to be spared this nonsense.

Onward! We open with Audrina looking at a hip downtown loft with her Zen master Justin Bobby. As he points out, this is perfect for her because she can be like: “I can come home and go in my refrigerator, I can go home and cook something, I can go and have people over.” Right, every girl’s dream. And as for being removed from her friends in Hollywood, the J.B. notes, “The beautiful thing about down here is only you will know where you are at.” We think he means that both literally and figuratively. But has she talked to Lauren about this yet? he asks. The silence is deafening. Cue the rain on our skin!

This episode boils down to the only things that matter in Hills-ville: Heidi and Spencer, and the Lauren-Lo-Audrina mess. In Vegas, Heidi’s tooling around with the Bolthouse folks and prepping for her new career as a hotelier or something (har), though we don’t quite trust that she’s processed any of the information being presented to her. Lauren is becoming increasingly concerned about the drift between herself and Audrina, and after some chitchat with Whitney (remember her? She used to be important and then disappeared with no explanation), she resolves to talk to Audrina before the girl wordlessly moves out of her slave’s quarters once and for all.

Meanwhile, Spencer has no idea that Heidi’s working in Vegas, so he’s shacked up in Heidi’s apartment all by his lonesome. Stephanie finds him there and reveals that Heidi’s in Vegas. Spencer’s response: “We’re going to Vegas.” He looks almost disappointed not to have a bro handy for a high-five at this exact moment. And so Team Pratt hits Vegas to win Heidi back. Stephanie doesn’t want to be an accomplice, which is interesting since she was the one who completely sold out Heidi’s location, got in the car with Spencer, and then called Heidi to find out, casually, where she was dining that night — of course, without mentioning that either Pratt was in town. Stephanie, do you even know what words like “accomplice” mean?

Spencer dutifully crashes Heidi’s business dinner, which would be mortifying if you didn’t know it was all part of the masterfully crafted Speidi game. He practically begs for her to come back to L.A. and to him, but she stalks back in to the restaurant, where her business folks are very awkwardly calling it a night. Boss Bolthouse gives her a professional spanking: “Listen, you gotta get that under control.” Heidi’s left sitting in her pleather dining booth, head artfully held in her hands.

Back on the ranch, Lauren is trying to cook dinner for Lo and Audrina — Lo is making a solid effort to eat all the cheese before Audrina gets there and is also “nervous” to go into Audrina’s slave’s quarters. Lauren decides to talk to Audrina, and Lo seems giddy to have her hands cleaned of the whole thing. And then we see Audrina walk by the house on her way out, completely ditching the dinner to which she was invited. We love this! Like she’s going to just go in the house and eat Lauren’s sloppily chopped tomatoes at their beck and call?

The next day in Vegas, Bolthouse and the investor types are waiting downstairs for Heidi, annoyed that she’s late. They eventually leave without her, and you know she’s so fake-fired from that fake-job. Stupid girl, where are — oh wait! Cut to the hotel’s interior, and Spencer and Heidi are coming down the escalator together. It’s a poignant shot, you have to hand it to the show’s cinematographers. And so the two are reunited at last, though apparently with no concern for her professional life. (Not that the job really counts, but if we’re going to play along with the illusion that these girls work, we’d appreciate it if Heidi did as well.)

Back to Casa del L.C.: Lo is still griping about Audrina’s general suckage, and Lauren is finally prompted to go out to Audrina’s slave’s quarters and discuss the trio’s problem. The girls dissect the situation: Audrina feels weird going into the main house, and that makes Lauren and Lo feel weird. And now everyone’s “bummed out,” and Audrina feels ignored by Lauren. And then Audrina drops the bomb: “I feel like Lo is pushing us apart.” Well, duh — but of course Lauren doesn’t see it, and now she’s crying. And so we close this season with one final question: How does she wipe her tears without smearing her masterfully applied liquid eyeliner?

And now, once and for all, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As Fake As Heidi’s Boobs
• Stephanie Pratt’s loyalty to Heidi — she sold her out to Spencer after about half a second’s contemplation.
• The possibility of Audrina moving into a massive artist’s loft in downtown Los Angeles. Please — this girl can’t live more than ten minutes away from the Grove and we know it.
• Lo’s concern that Audrina’s unhappy with the living situation — let’s be honest here: Even by reality-television standards, Lo is a terrible actress.
• Heidi’s job. Like she honestly had a job as a project manager at a major Vegas hotel project? If she were a real career woman, she wouldn’t have blown it off for her bedraggled sketchpot stalker boyfriend.

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• Spencer’s mission to Vegas. The guy really does think it’s super awesome to win his girl back by crashing her business trip, like a John Hughes movie gone terribly awry.
• The puppy! We saw Chloe for all of three seconds, but she was there!
• Audrina’s “not gonna take it anymore” attitude. Why would she put up with being sidelined in the slave’s quarters when she can get just as much camera time living elsewhere? A whole Audrina Breaks Out on Her Own plotline would be great for next season!
• Lauren’s total naïveté about Lo’s being a tremendous bitch. Those tears came from the pain of looking clueless on camera. Aches, doesn’t it? —Jessica Coen

‘The Hills’ Season Finale: Speidi, at Last